"Well, I know the feeling
Of finding, yourself stuck out on the ledge
And there ain't no healing
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge"
A line from a very powerful song that I have been listening to over and over this past week. Between everything that has gone on, within the last few weeks, months, I am finding things very overwhelming, and stressful and hard to deal with. I now have a paraplegic dog that I have to home nurse every day, and more than likely for the rest of my life. That was my choice to make. I wasn't just going to let her go just like that. But there were many moments where I had doubted myself and blamed myself for her being like this. I was babysitting, so I wasn't there, so I don't know what happened, but if I was there, I could have prevented it from happening. My husband was at home. He said he found her in the bathroom not using her hind legs, and she was diagnosed at the vet with IVDD and completely paralyzed in her hind legs. This made me very very sad. She couldn't sense any pain when they tested her pain receptors, yet she still had a reflex and is on steroids pain meds and muscle relaxers so she isn't in so much pain. But the reason why I had blamed myself was because I moved her when she was laid on the bed, and maybe if I hadn't she might have had a fighting chance to regain use of her legs again.
I've been in somewhat of a depression ever since it happened, and before then, because of things happening in the house, my marriage and me being emotionally spent over it all. It's very stressful and draining on me. Now because I am the only person in the house that is willing to take Jasmine out, manually express her bladder, and bowels, and change her pee pad every time she soaks through it so she doesn't get sores, and putting cream on her rash that she got from sitting in urine for too long. I bathe her every day sometimes twice maybe three times a day depending on how she is and I walk her around with a towel wrapped around her body so she can gain strength in her front legs. I do everything for her, get little to no sleep, and yet my husband demands this and that , for me to make him dinner, for me to do the laundry, clean the house, do dishes etc. Yes, I understand this all needs to be done, but the way my mind is, I cannot focus on anything, and the people I want to talk to are never there. I understand they are busy it just sucks because they are the ones that are able to make me smile or laugh, and bring me out of the way that I am feeling. I've suddenly become angrier, and more distant from a lot of things. I wake up, take care of jasmine all day, sing and then go to bed so music is the only thing that is helping me right now. Singing, listening to music calms me or makes me emotional so I can get it out if there isn't anyone I can talk to. I am so down and deeply upset inside from what has happened to Jasmine, that I don't show it, but people can tell. Honestly, I have thought about not being here. I know that's bad, and I know I shouldn't be thinking like that but when u get yelled at by your husband, for accidental things that you did, breaking chargers, not making dinner when he wants it, not having his clothes ready when I am tending to Jasmine because she needs a bath and the clothes can wait but he says they can't because he wants them immediately, not cutting doing the yard work etc it's very overwhelming. He doesn't show empathy or emotion, just anger and hatred. I understand he is stressed out with work and everything, but that doesn't mean he has a right to take it out on me and say horrible nasty horiffic things to me like which makes me want to commit suicide!
The house is a mess because I feel overwhelmed with everything, and all I ask for is the smallest bit of help. You know, help me clean the kitchen or even better him do it himself if he sees that I am busy. The reason I end up going online and sing on my karaoke app is because my head is just all over the place and I'm just so emotionally spent and he cannot see that or wants to not see it and pretend that I am being crazy, and ridiculous, and over the top about it all. I put my feelings down onto paper and write that way, because I can't express them any other way without getting either super angry or really upset, and then having to hear an excuse or an answer for everything that I've said. If we talk, it turns into an argument. He has called me every name under the sun. C*nt, B*tch, Snotty little B*tch, stupid fucking c*nt etc etc all because I refused to do something he wanted me to do (i.e reheat his dinner if I was busy looking something up or dealing with Jasmine) How hard is it to reheat your own food? I mean the microwave is right there in the kitchen, and he has arms and legs so what difference does it make if he did it or I did it? That's what I didn't get, and that ended up in him yelling at me calling me names. I accidentally broke my phone charger, because I was testing it out and wanted to see if it would charge as my phone was dying. So, I put it in, and it didn't work so tried to remove the charging cord from the port on the phone and it didn't come out. I told Chris and asked him to take it out. He was playing video games and on his headset. He took the phone from me and pulled on it. Then he said, I told u not to use this charger. I apologized but he ended up going downstairs to the basement, putting the phone into the vice and snapping the charger. He comes back up the stairs after he gets it released from the phone, hands me the phone back and yells at me saying
"This is the reason why we can't have nice things..because you break shit all the time!" I said I was sorry like 5 times, and he said he was highly pissed off because he buys expensive shit and I end up breaking it. So he made me feel like total shit to the point I had almost had enough and wanted to end my life. That's how bad my mindset was. I was pacing the kitchen staring at sharp objects with voices in my head telling me to do this and that and whatever. I ended up just going to bed because I was just so emotionally drained from it and going to sleep.
Something BIG is going to have to change, especially with Chris and his help because I am getting to the point where I can't do it anymore. I am putting my own health on the line and being stressed because of him, and the lack of help he gives me. I'll end up being put on antidepressants or meds if it gets to that point. He has said multiple times that he can live independently but how can he if he always demands his clothes to be ready, or his food cooked? No one will be there to put his socks on ( I put his socks on every day he has to go to work because I liked doing it but it became a habit and I guess he got used to me doing stuff for him ) He will end up using his entire paycheck to buy takeout and new clothes because he can't be bothered to wash and dry stuff, because I doubt his mom would do it for him. She has done enough for him during his life. Its up to him now. He just wants to sit and play video games, and he wonders why I sit on my computer and do my own thing. It's easier. We don't bug each other, and we are both happier doing things that way.
If he really cared about me that much, he would have already finished my paperwork, and got it sent off, so that I can be a citizen in the US. Then I can get my own job, and have my own money (yes he claims that because he is the one that works its HIS money, not OURS and that's how he has always seen it) and I can drive to another state if I wanted to just for a vacation or to see friends or even fly to a different state if I wanted to. It hurts inside that things are turning this way but what can you do you know. Councilling isn't an option because he will bring up the money issue again. He always says we don't have enough money to do this that and the other, yet when he wants to buy video games or spend time with his friends online, it seems to be in abundance and to be honest, I don't think he feels that we need it. But ever since I lost my son, things haven't been the way I had wanted them to be. Everything changed. He has let himself go since getting out of the Navy. He used to look after himself, stayed healthy, slim, wanted to go and do things with me out and about whether that was mini golf or just a stroll down the beach. Now its like he doesn't care. He is growing his hair out, and his beard so he looks like a homeless Amish half the time, and he has put on weight. He is addicted to Snus which he knows I don't like but the amount of time I've asked him to stop he just pushed aside. I can't tell him what to do, but he has to want to do it and want to do it for himself and or for me. In the last few months, I went Vegan. I wasn't telling Chris that he had to go vegan because I did, but made a point to maybe add more veggies to his food intake and his diet, and he took offense to that like he had to eat vegetables because I was. I never said that to him. All I was trying to do was to give advice. But even then I didn't even get any support from him whatsoever. I had lost weight being vegan which was my goal anyway, and he just thinks it's a stupid fad diet/lifestyle which is going to in turn cost him more money to buy stuff for me. This is the reason why all I've been eating is potatoes, rice, and beans because I know everything else is expensive but I never ask for a single thing. And I find myself unhappy all the time not because of him but because I just feel Unloved, disrespected, disregarded, and I find myself doing my own thing. I barely sleep, I don't eat a lot, I'm constantly being demanded to do this that or the other as soon as he wants it but I need to deal with jasmine first and it's almost like he can't wait a few minutes whilst I express her so she doesn't get sick. When it used to be all about me me me. And that I wanted THIS and I wanted THAT with no regard for money. I am in my own little world and I find myself opening to people that I barely know because I get more care, love and affection from them than I do from my own family. There is too much favoritism in the family it seems. Just because my sister in law has kids, suddenly my mother in law talks to her all the time she can and whenever something is brought up its always about the kids, which is understandable because they are kids and they are her grandchildren but when it came to me I felt I wasn't invited to things like she was. The house is a complete mess and I don't know where to start. With jasmines health and care I have to give her i don't have time to do the house and cut the grass even though I know it has to be done. I am so stressed out I sing everyday because it's the only happiness I get after everything else. And when people join me and sing with me that I cherish as friends and some whom I can call close or even family, they make me feel special like i actually mean something and I love them for that. I didn't know what that felt like.
