Have u ever felt pain like I have?

Throughout my life, I have always considered myself as the black sheep of the family. The one that always felt second best with everything. Everyone else would get expensive items for Christmas, or lots of them, and then when it came to me, I would end up with some cheap one item thing, or something not necessarily what I had asked for. Not saying I am not grateful for the gifts because I am, but I just felt like why couldn't I be the one that had everything that they did...

When I was at school, I was bullied, purely because I looked different from all the other girls. I wasn't blonde, I wasn't necessarily that pretty, and I had an overbite and a gap in my teeth that people would laugh at and ridicule because to them it was funny.I was never the popular kid. I was the teachers pet. I was one who would open doors for them, carry their books to the room etc...and I was looked at as the weird one, why? because I wanted to help. It went from being pushed down the stairs, to having bananas rubbed in my hair during lunch, when I would be the one sitting eating on my own because I never really had any friends until I was about 15 or 16 years old. I started to be a little bit more open and a little more able to stand up for myself.

Guys were never very good at keeping relationships with me. I would do everything I could to be the best girlfriend I could be, and they were more interested in their computers, games, you name it. I wasn't first priority when it came to most of them. Some were childish and clingy, and they wondered why I broke it off with them. Others just treated me like crap or were violent. I had my heart broken so many times, but then realized, you know what? I never really loved them in the first place. It wasn't real love I was experiencing. It was superficial love. Now married, and happy, I know what real love is because it feels nothing like any of the relationships I have had in the past. It feels real..if that makes sense.

I wasn't the brightest person in the world. I wasn't good at math, or chemistry or physics (probably because it contained math) but I was artistic and was good at music, and art, and making things. I always had an interested in making things and always have been very creative.But no one really took an interest in my interests and the things I liked to do.
I failed at university and dropped out after 6 months. I just didn't want to do the course because it didn't interest me, and I just had my mind set on doing something more hands-on, more fun. I ended up doing a popular music performance degree, to which yes I did have to retake a year, but I still passed with a Bachelor of music (BMus) in Popular Music Performance. I, at least, have something to show for it.

My husband and I had been trying for a baby for the last 2 years. Finally, I became pregnant, and throughout my pregnancy, things didn't go the way I had planned them to. I had an ultrasound at 13 weeks because I was having a few issues, and they said the heartbeat was strong and everything looked good on the ultrasound. Suddenly my world comes crashing down, because about a week and a half later, I had a miscarriage and lost my baby. I gave birth to our son who would have been almost 15 weeks. We buried him by a tree at my In-laws in their yard/farm area and I'm constantly thinking why me? I had to have a d and c the same day and was given lots of IV fluids because I had lost a decent amount of blood.

Now I suffer from high blood pressure (well I haven't been diagnosed but every time I take it its high), and who knows I've probably got a thousand other things wrong with me. 

I want kids, and it did set me back a little bit, but it won't stop me from trying. And if it happens again, well, we will adopt but I don't want to try all my life. I am reaching 30 now and I don't want to leave it too late..because I don't want further complications along the way because I'd be older. 

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I hurt u
I'm sorry if I did something wrong
The tears aren't enough to show how much I care
I never meant to make u cry
I never meant to make u unhappy
And now u probably won't even want to be with me anymore

I know it was not my fault
I know u didn't mean to hurt me
I am an emotional person.  My feelings are so strong for u that I didn't realize I would feel this way...and I didn't know I would be that emotional.
It's not your fault..
I still love you..
But I understand if u don't feel the same.

I don't want you to be unhappy
But if u want I'll respect your feelings and I'll go..
I care too much..
I'm sorry.. I really am..

I hated myself for what happened
I've cried for hours
Nothing makes any difference
You will always be u and I know I can't change that
But if u cared enough for me,  wouldn't u at Least try?
I am scattered emotions. Filled with upset anger... betrayed, brokenhearted, and  disappointed.
Not in you. But in myself. I should have just not cried and everything would have been fine.
But now you know what kind of person I am,  and u may not want me anymore.  I have to be strong enough to accept that. I don't know if I can..

She...

In the darkness lies an enchanted woman
There she hides to bury her pain
Such beauty conflicted by hurt and sorrow
But even though love surrounds her,
She still feels alone and afraid.
She cannot stop her pain and wishes it would run out of her
But she is special, and I just want her to see that..
And it hurts me inside to watch her hurt inside and out.

Ive decided i have to move on

I can't dwell over someone that doesn't seem to want to give anything a chance

Or to see that I am there for her, and even though I can't help her in many ways, 

I am here so she can talk, and not feel like she is alone in the world

I may not be perfect, but I am who I am

Pain and suffering

What to think?
What to do..
Why my heart is torn in two
It aches so..

Hurting is my life
I never thought I'd go
Through trouble and strife
Make the pain go..

When u love someone
But they don't love u back..
Breaks my heart into thousands of pieces
I don't know if I can do this again..

Thoughts fled through my head
Sometimes I wished that I was dead
Parents didn't understand
All I wanted was to be loved..

Lgbt pride.. Can't wait!

LGBT PRIDE is in July every year and this year we will be going.  My parents would never understand if I told them I was going to Pride because they don't even know I am Bisexual, and telling them that would bring up weird questions like why are u going to a gay pride? Yes I a proud of who I am and people can think what they want but I want to support my friends and want to see them happy. :)

Pffft... Oh well..

I hate how people say that they take a liking to u as more than a friend,  but then blow u off as if u never existed. I met a girl who seemed to like me in more than the friend sense. So I thought she seems nice might as well give it a go.  We met up,  and she was very sweet and everything was going well, until about a week later.  She told me she had fibromyalgia and her body hurt a lot which I understood and didn't push her to hang or whatever, and I knew she had a son and we bought her son video games for Christmas thinking it was a nice gesture and he would like playing them and he could get to know my husband and play games with him.. The last time I saw her was Christmas eve I believe. We stayed at her house until 1, said Merry Christmas and then went back home.  After that day she barely speaks to me,  barely texts me she only just told me she had a New number after me trying to get in contact wanting to hang. I mean we weren't asking her to go anywhere we could have gone to hers if it was OK,  or we could have picked her up.  I just think she isn't trying hard enough if she likes me like that. So I'm about to give up with her and move on to someone that actually wants To talk to me etc..
She also said she likes women more than men as she came out of an 8-year relationship and engagement but she's. More towards lesbian than Bi but she has this guy she sees called Carlos who is Mexican and she just uses him so she can get him to buy her this and that which isn't fair. And he seems to love her. So she will tolerate him and hang with him but doesn't want to hang with me. And has said she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, yet she's still dating him. That makes no sense. Oh well..
Why do I always seem to pick the odd ones. LOL