Throughout my life, I have always considered myself as the black sheep of the family. The one that always felt second best with everything. Everyone else would get expensive items for Christmas, or lots of them, and then when it came to me, I would end up with some cheap one item thing, or something not necessarily what I had asked for. Not saying I am not grateful for the gifts because I am, but I just felt like why couldn't I be the one that had everything that they did...
When I was at school, I was bullied, purely because I looked different from all the other girls. I wasn't blonde, I wasn't necessarily that pretty, and I had an overbite and a gap in my teeth that people would laugh at and ridicule because to them it was funny.I was never the popular kid. I was the teachers pet. I was one who would open doors for them, carry their books to the room etc...and I was looked at as the weird one, why? because I wanted to help. It went from being pushed down the stairs, to having bananas rubbed in my hair during lunch, when I would be the one sitting eating on my own because I never really had any friends until I was about 15 or 16 years old. I started to be a little bit more open and a little more able to stand up for myself.
Guys were never very good at keeping relationships with me. I would do everything I could to be the best girlfriend I could be, and they were more interested in their computers, games, you name it. I wasn't first priority when it came to most of them. Some were childish and clingy, and they wondered why I broke it off with them. Others just treated me like crap or were violent. I had my heart broken so many times, but then realized, you know what? I never really loved them in the first place. It wasn't real love I was experiencing. It was superficial love. Now married, and happy, I know what real love is because it feels nothing like any of the relationships I have had in the past. It feels real..if that makes sense.
I wasn't the brightest person in the world. I wasn't good at math, or chemistry or physics (probably because it contained math) but I was artistic and was good at music, and art, and making things. I always had an interested in making things and always have been very creative.But no one really took an interest in my interests and the things I liked to do.
I failed at university and dropped out after 6 months. I just didn't want to do the course because it didn't interest me, and I just had my mind set on doing something more hands-on, more fun. I ended up doing a popular music performance degree, to which yes I did have to retake a year, but I still passed with a Bachelor of music (BMus) in Popular Music Performance. I, at least, have something to show for it.
My husband and I had been trying for a baby for the last 2 years. Finally, I became pregnant, and throughout my pregnancy, things didn't go the way I had planned them to. I had an ultrasound at 13 weeks because I was having a few issues, and they said the heartbeat was strong and everything looked good on the ultrasound. Suddenly my world comes crashing down, because about a week and a half later, I had a miscarriage and lost my baby. I gave birth to our son who would have been almost 15 weeks. We buried him by a tree at my In-laws in their yard/farm area and I'm constantly thinking why me? I had to have a d and c the same day and was given lots of IV fluids because I had lost a decent amount of blood.
Now I suffer from high blood pressure (well I haven't been diagnosed but every time I take it its high), and who knows I've probably got a thousand other things wrong with me.
I want kids, and it did set me back a little bit, but it won't stop me from trying. And if it happens again, well, we will adopt but I don't want to try all my life. I am reaching 30 now and I don't want to leave it too late..because I don't want further complications along the way because I'd be older.
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