aint it the truth..

Have you ever just felt like u are overwhelmed with the sheer amount of things that u have to do in your life, and you are under so much stress and so much pressure that you don't feel u can cope with everything all at once?
Does your life feel like it's turning upside down almost to the point of no return where you don't know if you are coming or going, and you still feel no matter which way you turn, it's still going to be a dead end?
Problems cannot be run away from, but they can be escaped. It may feel like it's the same thing and that running might be easiest to do but the problems are still there when you return.
Dig deep within yourself and tell yourself that u are beautiful. That you ARE worth every waking moment of someone's day and that you bring joy and happiness to the people that surround u no matter whether you know them or not.
Knowing that there is someone out there that genuinely cares about u makes u feel better about yourself and good about yourself. People need that kind of connection to feel like a whole person. You can live in the dark and die alone, or u can bask in the sunlight and live with people surrounding you that care.
The thing is about life is that we are always trying to compare ourselves to those that we feel are better than us, when we should be working on ourselves to better ourselves not because someone else is better, but for our own well-being.

Christmas surprise

It was a quiet Saturday night.  The kids were away with the parents and Jane had the entire house to herself.  It was the first time that she was able to have alone time since having the kids, so it was something that she wanted to take advantage of.  Still, in pajamas, she walked to the kitchen and got herself a glass of wine.  There was just pure silence within the house.  The only sounds that were heard were the birds singing and the grandfather clock ticking slowly. She slowly made her way upstairs to the bedroom. And laying on the bed with a book in her hand and the wine in the other,  carefully trying not to spill it on herself. As she started to get tired she placed the wine glass down next to her and laid down on her bed.  She had a sudden urge for pleasure.  Her hand reached down to lift up her top to expose her perky 36C breasts. She started to trace her hand across her stomach, slowly moving up towards her breasts.  As her Nipples became hard she pinched them gently and let out a quiet moan.  By this time she was rather turned on.  Her other hand drifted between her legs, slowly teasing her hot wet pussy.  Her fingers rotating her clit 1-2-3-4-5 before they moved down to feel how wet she was and back up to her clit again. She let out a moan as her fingers plunged into her hot wet pussy. Sliding in and out slow at first then building speed, her breathing became erratic.  Her back arched and her eyes rolled back with every wave of pleasure... She put her thumb onto her clit as she fingered herself.  "Mmm" she moaned, arching her back further. Her Nipples were hard as rocks and her juices started to flow.  Jane needed more stimulation.  She felt using her hands wasn't enough,  so leaned over,  opened her dresser and pulled out her vibrator.  It had 5 speeds so it definitely did the job.  Laying with her legs spread apart she turned it on the lowest setting. Slowly she traced it up her inner thigh,  quickly across her clit and down the other thigh,  teasing herself.  When she couldn't take anymore she opened her legs more and slid the vibrator into her hot wet pussy.  Her clit throbbing with pleasure. The settings were slowly turned up..  One.. two... three.  Every time it would touch her clit, a wave of pleasure would ride over her body.  She got wetter and wetter with every vibration.  Sliding it in and out of her faster and harder whilst she placed another vibrator on her clit. The temptation became too much for her.  She began rubbing her clit so fast and hard that she started to really moan and pant.  "Oh I'm so close"  she yelled as the vibrations brought her intense waves of pleasure that flowed across her body.  Her back arching.  "oh my God I want to cum so bad"  she cried as she Fucked herself faster and harder and faster in her hot pussy. Her body started to shake.  Her eyes rolled into the back of her head as she moaned loudly 'oh my God I'm cumming "Her legs opened wider as she reached climax.  Her whole body shook violently with pleasure and as she slowly pulled the vibrator out of her wet pussy her hot juices squirted and gushed all over the sheets. As her body began to come down from the high,  she heard a knock on the door.
"who is it? "she yelled nervously as she slowly removed the sheets off of her sweat ridden body.  The kids weren't home and the only people that it could have been, were the neighbors.  Cautiously she approached the door.  Her eyes always shifting back and forth not knowing what to expect.  She threw on a gown and headed downstairs towards the door. "Hello" she called again. No answer. The sheer fear on her face was now apparent. There was an eerie wind that blew throughout the house. She answered the front door to find a package on her doorstep. The snow had settled on the top of the cardboard box, making it mushy and wet.
Slowly, she picked up the large box and looked around. There was a guy sitting across the street staring in her direction. Chills went up her spine and not in a good way. This guy was so creepy. He was wearing a long black coat that could have almost been a cloak, a fedora hat, and his eyes had a deathly evil presence to them almost like they pulled you in. 

I'm sorry

As I sit here, I feel my life slipping slowly away from me. The days turning into the night so fast almost as fast I blink. My mind, racing at 100 miles a minute, not making any logical sense of anything. The depression and anxiety slowly creeping in, that my subconscious saying to me, you're not good enough, nobody loves you, or you'll never get that hug. As I slowly drift into nothingness, my heart is empty when the people I love aren't around. I try to smile or laugh, but all that is is fake of what I am truly feeling. I tell the closest and most dear if I feel down, or upset because I trust them. I would do anything for those people, and the love I have for one person, in particular, is strong and whenever I see them, that empty space in my heart is filled with happiness and joy. It's like I'm a kid again, that's got their favorite toy for Christmas, and they never want to let it go. I never want to let go of that feeling. But, the sadness, and the hate and the anger that I feel with everything else, just overwhelms me. I start shaking, I block out everything and just have voices talking to me over and over and over in my head. If I did something wrong, I would immediately blame myself for it, because I am not normally that kind of person. I am loving and sweet and caring. But the memories of the bad times and all the horrible things that happened in my life just come flooding back, in waves. They don't necessarily have to make sense but my head is overloaded with negativity. I am body conscious when I am afraid my anxiety shows. I can't help being such a highly emotional person, but I am also always afraid I will push people away because of it. I know I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but maybe once in my life, I was told I looked beautiful and even to this day I still have a problem with accepting it.
I feel cold and numb. Everything around me is silent. but all I can hear is my subconscious bringing me further down. I'll probably never be an actress, or an artist because I'm nowhere good enough. I'll never be a model which I've always wanted to be, or an exotic dancer because I'm too FAT!!! As I sit here, staring at the computer screen, typing every thought, every emotion, I'm crying!!!.. The bad thoughts are reappearing. They are telling me I am not worth being on this earth, and that no one will EVER love me, because I'm too pushy, or too forceful, and probably hated by most when all I do is try but nothing feels ever good enough. Why do you love me? I'm nothing!! I am a nobody. All I ever do is upset people or make them angry. The steel cold blade of the knife feels sharp across my skin. My mind still racing. I want to scream. I want to get out all the pent-up emotion, but I can't!. I just usually make situations worse, just by telling people how I feel. Sometimes I take the risk because I want to believe that they won't take it badly, and they will be ok with knowing how I feel about things. You can't help who you love, or have feelings for. My pent up emotion hurdles at full speed as I sit and stare blankly into space. Not knowing what I feel or thing. Tears streaming down my face as I try to think and nothing comes to mind but a rush of sadness and anguish.

Can life get any worse?

Every day is a struggle. It seems like whenever u walk forwards you end up taking 10 steps back.
Time seems to stand still whilst everything spins in circles around u, and u feel like your head can't catch up. 
A feeling of helplessness and dread overwhelms you. Everything feels distant to you.  You don't want to be around the fun things anymore because they remind you of the sad times. 

You say to yourself is life a waste of time when the things you love have gone? And the stresses in your life seem to gather and smother you,  making you feel vulnerable and alone.  

Depression is hard to shake.  It won't just go away and even with time sometimes it gets worse.  Ever since my son died things haven't been the same for me, mentally.  And now on top of that having to take care and nurse a paraplegic dog,  who cannot pee or poop for herself and that is taking up almost all of my life.  I'm not complaining that I have to do it because I would never put her down because she could not walk,  but when you have other stresses in your life that pile on top of something that you already have to do it becomes harder and my mood changes,  my attitude towards life changes.  My life has been turned upside down, and even if I didn't have her,  I would still feel the same.