I'm sorry

As I sit here, I feel my life slipping slowly away from me. The days turning into the night so fast almost as fast I blink. My mind, racing at 100 miles a minute, not making any logical sense of anything. The depression and anxiety slowly creeping in, that my subconscious saying to me, you're not good enough, nobody loves you, or you'll never get that hug. As I slowly drift into nothingness, my heart is empty when the people I love aren't around. I try to smile or laugh, but all that is is fake of what I am truly feeling. I tell the closest and most dear if I feel down, or upset because I trust them. I would do anything for those people, and the love I have for one person, in particular, is strong and whenever I see them, that empty space in my heart is filled with happiness and joy. It's like I'm a kid again, that's got their favorite toy for Christmas, and they never want to let it go. I never want to let go of that feeling. But, the sadness, and the hate and the anger that I feel with everything else, just overwhelms me. I start shaking, I block out everything and just have voices talking to me over and over and over in my head. If I did something wrong, I would immediately blame myself for it, because I am not normally that kind of person. I am loving and sweet and caring. But the memories of the bad times and all the horrible things that happened in my life just come flooding back, in waves. They don't necessarily have to make sense but my head is overloaded with negativity. I am body conscious when I am afraid my anxiety shows. I can't help being such a highly emotional person, but I am also always afraid I will push people away because of it. I know I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but maybe once in my life, I was told I looked beautiful and even to this day I still have a problem with accepting it.
I feel cold and numb. Everything around me is silent. but all I can hear is my subconscious bringing me further down. I'll probably never be an actress, or an artist because I'm nowhere good enough. I'll never be a model which I've always wanted to be, or an exotic dancer because I'm too FAT!!! As I sit here, staring at the computer screen, typing every thought, every emotion, I'm crying!!!.. The bad thoughts are reappearing. They are telling me I am not worth being on this earth, and that no one will EVER love me, because I'm too pushy, or too forceful, and probably hated by most when all I do is try but nothing feels ever good enough. Why do you love me? I'm nothing!! I am a nobody. All I ever do is upset people or make them angry. The steel cold blade of the knife feels sharp across my skin. My mind still racing. I want to scream. I want to get out all the pent-up emotion, but I can't!. I just usually make situations worse, just by telling people how I feel. Sometimes I take the risk because I want to believe that they won't take it badly, and they will be ok with knowing how I feel about things. You can't help who you love, or have feelings for. My pent up emotion hurdles at full speed as I sit and stare blankly into space. Not knowing what I feel or thing. Tears streaming down my face as I try to think and nothing comes to mind but a rush of sadness and anguish.