What would u do?

America is open to talking about hard things and that's what I love about it. It's about being free and being able to be myself without hiding behind a mask not being able to show who, I really am. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes I have to say hey accept me or leave and that can be the hardest thing anyone can say to someone.

If someone treated u different, because u looked different from them or they were a different race from u, that's not right. Everyone is equal regardless of color, race, sexual orientation. Those are just things that make everyone individual from one another. In a way, we are all the same but different, not because we have a disability, or that we are black, white, Asian etc. But, because we have our own minds and choose our own destinies. We don't follow one person.

I wish people could understand that not everyone looks the same on the outside, but they ARE the same inside.

A weakened heart

You say u love me? You say you want to be with me? Yet, you seem too ashamed to tell your boyfriend about me. If he doesn't understand he isn't worth being with. He hurt you once already. We barely talk and when we do, I tell you, I love you and you don't say it back. You ask me to Skype and as soon as I do you hang up. Then text me and say that he is there. So, I'm like ok, every single time. What's wrong with answering and saying hey this is my girlfriend? Are you not proud to be with me? My husband knows about you. I tell him almost everything. He has seen you. He has spoken to you and he doesn't care, because he knows I love him and isn't worried about me being in love with you in the same way too. Why can't you do the same? Just be honest with him. If you really do love me. You would have already told him. But, I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending we're just friends. Do you understand hun? I don't talk to other women or flirt with other people because I am with you. Because I do love you and it does hurt when I get blown off or pushed away with no explanation or apology. Sometimes, I would wait up for hours when you say your going to Skype back and end up falling asleep because it's like 4 a.m. So, I assume you fell asleep and brushed me off. I don't care if he is there. I skype with you when my husband and his friend are there and they both know you're my girlfriend. Maybe hoping isn't worth doing anymore. And now you're not talking to me and I don't know why. I wish you would just tell me what I've done wrong so that I know. And apologize and make it right. But, I don't know what I've done and it's hurting me that you won't even talk to me. And you hang up every time I skype.

And you'd think I would be used to it by now.

My life as it stands in PA. The things I do for love..

It's finally December in PA. As I sit in bed staring outside wishing it would warm up and seeing the snow on the ground, a little part of me becomes depressed because I missed the time when we lived in California and wished we didn't have to leave.  All my friends were there and we had so much stuff to do.  Now it feels like we moved to someone what's cold dreary and has nothing.

My parents bought me a very thick comforter so if it gets cold in the house we don't need the heating on all the time and it keeps me warm.  My husband comes barging in the room tipping all the clothes upside-down from the baskets because he can't find specific clothes he wants to wear.  He only has four t-shirts that are suitable for his work for him to wear and yet he argues with me saying that I have to get his clothes ready but knowing that as soon as I give him clothes to wear he will be like I want to wear the jeans today.  Well, sorry love but u wear what I give u.  If u want to wear the jeans YOU wash them and YOU do laundry. Sometimes I feel that he never wanted our son because if he is like this now whenever we have a kid or adopt a kid that's at a young age that he has to wash clothes for if I'm not there to whether he will do  it or not. He said he cried when I lost him.  How can I believe something like that when he barely shows emotions anyway and would rather play his video games than help me babysit my nephews. Said that he doesn't want to be 'bored'

With all the flaws he has, I still love him and would do anything for him and I know that through all the anger and upset he loves me still deep down.

I feel like I have been Made out to be a horrible person because of my past

"All my life has been a series of doors in my face.."  No, I'm serious.  Ever since I have accepted myself as being bisexual and being allowed to date women by my husband,  the people that I had dated in the past weren't shall I say the best people that I needed in my life at that time.  Some were drug users,  they had kids that were always disrupting our time together that made me feel like I never meant anything to them even though I know the kid's come first and I had no problem with them having kids. I used to smoke and stopped and now the smell or taste of smoke physically makes me sick.  I try so hard to get people to quit smoking to better themselves. Keep them alive so that they can be with me longer because I care so much about them.
I wear My heart on my sleeve. Maybe that's not a good thing I don't know anymore. It's just who I have been and who I've grown up to be. 
I signed up for skout a dating site. At the time, I had met a few girls on there (the drug users etc and a few weirdos that I didn't know at the time u til I dated them).  I had been on skout for over a year maybe more.  I made this long profile that stated I didn't want to find a gf that did drugs or had kids because of bad past personal experiences and my husband was in the military at the time so I couldn't have anyone that smoked weed because he took his job seriously and could have gotten kicked out if he ended up smelling like it because he was around them.
A month or so ago I met this girl. She is a lot more mature than the other girls and around my age. She is sweet beautiful sexy funny. We hit it off really well.  She has an 8-year-old daughter and I love her kid. She is smart and beautiful just like her mom. I fell in love with this girl.  What I had written originally in the profile about the not wanting someone with kids drugs smoking all that it didn't mean anything anymore. I wasn't looking for that now and things had changed because I had found a connection between someone (her) that I never thought I would ever find. She really cared about me and I want to make her happy. She finally read the profile and got upset and angry at me because I said I didn't want someone with kids or that did drugs (i.e a tweaker like my ex gf was or smoked etc..) and she told me she was the opposite and that she was on medicine, smoked and had her daughter. I told her the profile didn't mean anything anymore I even deleted it, but now I feel like I have lost her and my heart sank. I love her like I love my husband. I never wanted to intentionally hurt her.  Not like this.  I feel like such a bad person.  I want to explain to her but I don't know how. This is me writing my feelings down before I break down and cry.